So I’m sure it’s very cliche to have a song lyric as a title of a blog… but it’s my blog so that’s how I’m gonna do things : )More than anything else when I listen to this song and I hear that lyric, it becomes something of a prayer. That I would be a mere vessel and that once the message of Him is passed that I would then dissolve. And I mean that in the sense that He would be greater and I would become lesser so that I may stand beside my fellow disciple and stand in awe of Him. It sounds so great in theory, I just pray that I can do that in practice. I think it’s so hard sometimes to remember that we are just vessels, carriers of the message and that it has nothing to do with us and all to do with Him. That all the glory and praise and admiration is due to Him, not to us.
I found this blog in my “drafts” section and thought it rather ironic as I just celebrated my two month wedding anniversary with my husband : )
It amazes me how much God provides, how He knows exactly what I need… I just get caught up in my “wants” : ) For those of you who are single, you may be able to relate. I have days when I love being single. Love coming home to my little pug in my little apartment and living my life out without planning it around someone else’s. But then there’s those other days (that sometimes tend to be more numerous than others!) where there is such an ache to find that person that God has in store. Almost as if I could fast forward my life to that point I’d do it in a heartbeat. It feels as though I’m in a waiting room of sorts. And it’s one that I come and go to depending on how bad the “ache” is. Then there are those moments where I wonder if my standards are too high. If I’m waiting for someone that is unattainable. And I have to admit I don’t have the best track record in terms of picking the right guys, so I have doubts in my ability to discern sometimes! And then there are those other moments where I wonder if I’m lacking. If I’m not good enough, not smart enough, pretty, witty, intelligent enough and the list could go on. But the thing I’m learning is as much as I trick myself into believing that I put my faith and trust in God with my heart and my future. I don’t. So maybe while I’m in this waiting room I should step into God’s office for some one-on-one time and then I’ll embark on the most important relationship of my life…
I almost feel like a voyeur sometimes, I tend to watch people and compare myself to them more than I’d like to admit. I can remember doing this from a very young age, extracting and mentally noting things about other people that I admired or was fascinated by. I was definitely (and to an extent, still am) someone who was envious of these “pieces” of people. Wanting to compile my mental scrapbook of fragments into the person I wanted to be or envisioned. I don’t think it ever dawned on me that if I was able to assemble those pieces together it would be a frankenstein of sorts!
One of the things I have learned since being diagnosed as bipolar is how random my thinking is. I’ve noticed it quite frequently in my relationship with my husband, how the smallest thing becomes a spider-web of thoughts for me. Douglas asked me to give him an example one day, at first I thought it would be extremely difficult to explain, but as soon as I let my “natural” trail of thought run wild it became quite apparent!
For instance, if Douglas were to say to me , “babe, you look beautiful today”, my mind would take off… What is it about me that he thinks is beautiful today versus any other day? Is he comparing me to other women he’s had relationships with? Am I his type? What is his type? What is my type? How is Douglas similar to any of my previous boyfriends? I wonder if my first boyfriend is married? Does his wife look like me, was I the basis for his type?
Yep. That’s how my mind works 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. With that knowledge that my thinking is definitely different from others around me, it’s also heightened my awareness of other things that I do that are not typical. I have to be continuously stimulated, one of my biggest fears is that I will not accomplish enough in a day. If it’s a beautiful Saturday, I cannot stay in one place for very long, I prefer to be in a car with the windows down, driving and able to take in everything around me. Which I think is odd because I also love nothing more than snuggling in bed with a good book, or talking for hours on a rainy day.
I started off this post with something completely different in mind and went down a completely difference path!
So I’m driving home from picking up my delicious Panera Bread dinner and a song by Jordin Sparks comes on, and it’s apptly titled “Battlefield”. Okay, okay it’s a rip-off of of Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield”, but nonetheless it was playing. It’s been a rough year in the relationship department for me, Douglas and I have gone through our fair share of problems with some days the definition of our relationship being “undecided”. And as I was listening to the wonderfully cheesy pop song, some words did ring true. When I look back over some of our arguments I realize how petty and senseless they were, and how much damage was done as a result.
One thing I’ve been pondering lately is when do you conceed? When do you raise the white flag, deal with the heartbreak and move forward… alone? I can’t imagine my life without Douglas in it, but in that same token I know that love alone cannot sustain a relationship. I’ve changed a great deal since high school and even college. Things I said I would never do or experience have been done, experienced, regretted and analyzed. I now feel that a lot of that has spilled over into my relationship with Douglas. The more you discuss marriage and a family with someone the more introspective you become. There are things in my life now that I would not want to bring into my child’s life, things I do now that I would certainly not do as a mother.
My biggest contention right now is my career. I have recently taken a job that requires a great deal of travel, in the month of August alone I’m only home for 11 days. I love my job, everything that I have ever wanted in a position I now have. But as I’m moving into a new chapter in my life it makes me question a lot of things and I’m realizing that there are many choices to be made and there are sacrifices that come along with them. I always envisioned getting married, having a family and being home to raise that family. I never thought it would be that I would have children and then pay someone else to raise them for me. I know this post is a bit of a ramble… Okay, it’s a solid ramble. But it’s all I’ve got right now.
I just finished watching the latest episode of “Jon and Kate Plus 8″, and had to hold back tears! As a child of divorce (my parents divorced 3 years ago when I was 22, so I don’t know if I qualify as a child of divorce) I know how seeing your parents go through that transition is difficult, but I cannot begin to fathom how those children, all under the age of 8 are handling that. Do they comprehend it? How is it going to affect them long-term? And to have all of those things captured for a cable show just makes it that much sadder.
On another note, I got my book to review today! Yay! I’m going to try to get it read by this weekend and post as I go. It’s divided up into nine chapters, so I’m going to try to post on each one since they are on separate subjects. I have to admit, since I’ve been going through my season of silence with God, this will be the first “Christian” book I’ve read. I’m a bit apprehensive, but hopeful that somewhere in these next couple of months I will have the fire that has long since been cold. I long for that relationship with Him, and I long to reconcile my life and its misgivings and missteps that have brought me here. My goal for the summer is to take this time that I cherish; the long summer days, eagerness for solitude in the sun, and the sounds of crickets and cicadas; and turn my attention to Him. To fight this relationship out and to hopefully come through it anew and refreshed in Him. So for those of you who follow my blog (that’s such an odd word!) I hope you’ll stop in from time to time as I walk this new path…
So I just got done reading a friend’s blog, and it was blunt. And I mean that in the greatest sense of the word, because it wasn’t just blunt for everyone else, it was blunt for her. I have truly come to believe that 90% of the truth that goes on in our minds in our inner ramblings never makes it past the tonsils. Why is that? I’ve wondered on that quite a bit lately and I think that Kate was able to point it out… It’s fear. And the more that I think on that word the more I realize how much fear consumes my life. I fear everything. And that fear consumes my life so much that as I sit here typing this now I realize how much I have lost and relinquished to fear.
What amazes me is that it always seems that your roughest days take place on the most beautiful.
It seems as my million-mile an hour thoughts have come to a bearable pace recently, that I feel more overwhelmed by them. It’s like the clearer they become the more I analyze and think on them. And there’s one thought in particular that dates back to my childhood and the more I think about it the more it bothers me… I have always, and I say that emphatically, been highly preoccupied by what people think of and how they perceive me and along with that I then become transfixed on qualities or traits that others possess that I wish to emulate. And it all comes down to self-esteem. And I find that strange because I don’t look at myself as someone who has low self-esteem but I do realize that I choose to allow other people and their opinions to define me. I loose sleep over it sometimes. As long as I can remember I have always felt vastly uncomfortable in my own skin, like I didn’t fit right. I know that sounds odd, even as I type it it looks odd. Maybe part of that comes from being bipolar, having been recently diagnosed its been like a curse and a blessing all at the same time. I’m thankful for the relief its brought myself and my family, and the more knowledge I gain the more these feelings that I’ve had for life make total sense. Maybe this is what I needed in order to start fitting into my skin, this label, this release. Or maybe we just grow into our skin, like getting wisdom with age. Either way I hope I grow into it nicely.
So I’m sitting here this evening listening to my 6-month old great dane bound through the house in the midst of “You’ve Got Mail” playing in the background. And I’ve got a heavy mind. I think there are a lot of people out there right now who do. As of yesterday I filed for unemployment, which was such a joy since it was accomplished through the internet. It’s strange, one thing I’ve always been good at is finding a job. I mean, ever since I was 16 I could network like crazy and within a week of the search starting, I would be gainfully employed. I’m on week 4 with no such luck. I even got turned away from a grocery store cashier position!
With that all being said, I’ve actually in a strange turn of events been thankful for this time off. It’s given me time to focus on me again, and I believe in a good way. I’ve always been a doormat in every aspect of my life, something I’m working on, but I almost think it may be genetic. So for the first time in my life I’m putting myself first, and as odd as it feels at times it’s much needed and well deserved. There have always been countless things I wanted to pursue, whether it be art lessons, hebrew classes, pilates, or wine tastings. I just never tried or pursued them, mainly because of my own devices. So not only am I trying to pursue those things, or should I say, the ones that are free or darn near close to it, but I’m starting to think about shifting gears in the career department. I’ve always loved learning. I mean, I could spend hours in a library, I truly believe just being in the presence of that much knowledge makes you wiser. Books are like fairy dust : ) And after many online career quizzes and much thought I think I’m going to pursue a career in art history or a general history degree. So with a little help from student loans and a love of knowledge, I think I may get that part of my life on the right track!
I’m sitting here with so much in my head and on my heart, hoping that it would all just spill out onto the keyboard beneath my fingertips… I don’t think I’ve known this type of stress before and I hope to never know it again. I guess one of the things I’m learning about relationships is the more you love someone the more you take on their thoughts, worries, stresses as well as you’re own. I’m a worrier by nature and a HUGE analyzer of anything and everything, so when things start to get stressful you can imagine my mind goes into overload which affects every other aspect of my life. My fiance, Douglas, is a photographer with his own business and with the economy right now it’s not a good industry to be in (and if their is a good industry to be in I would like to know what it is). If people don’t spend money, then advertisers aren’t going to spend money advertising products. Thus, Douglas isn’t being hired for a lot of jobs right now. One thing I’ve always heard is that financial issues are the number one stress issues in relationships. And I’ve learned that that is true. I am also in between jobs, so as of right now we have one more paycheck coming from my previous employer and then we’re going to be digging into savings, which is never a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not going to be out on the streets or anything, but it’s something that weighs heavily in our household right now. And I feel like I’m going to explode with all the stress and frustration or burst into tears at any given moment.
And deep in my core I am scared. Scared of losing him, scared of losing the life that we are building together because of this STRESS. I almost feel as if because we’re around each other so much and there is this BIG elephant in the room that looms over us and knocks over furniture that we’re going to end up turning on each other. I’ve never loved someone like I’ve loved Douglas. The kind of love where you don’t even think about saving yourself, you think about the other person first. You want the best for them in every possible way, even at the expense of yourself. And I guess because I’ve never known that kind of love before that all of this is new to me. I know that this is just a season in our lives and we’re going to come through it stronger and better, but good grief why does it have to be so tough going through the process??
I always wondered what it would feel like when I met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with… There are times I thought I had met him, even gotten very close to making that commitment to someone else, but I think I finally know what that feeling is. Everytime I look at Douglas, knowing I’m looking at my best friend and life partner, I literally get butterflies in my stomach. I really don’t deserve him, but I’m so thankful that he thinks I’m worthy of being the person he walks through life with, has children with, grows old with.
So as we plan the next part of out lives I can only think how lucky and how blessed I am to have the man in my life I’ve always dreamed of but never thought I could have…
